Thursday, September 29, 2005

To Tattoo Or Not To Tattoo

So, I've been considering (for about a year now) getting a tattoo in a discreet place. How discreet? Sooo discreet that it will be sort of embarrassing to actually have done. Basically, I am considering getting a tattoo on my PUBIC MOUND. Isn't that a funny term? I don't know if it's clinical or if I made it up or what. What I'm going for is a tattoo that could potentially become obscured if I quit shaving. Get it? I envision a beautiful magnolia flower.

I love magnolia flowers. In fact, my father planted me a magnolia tree for my 30th birthday. That would be a really sweet story if that were the whole story. But it's not. I had to (1) tell him that ALL I wanted for my birthday was for him to plant me a magnolia tree in our pasture; (2) defend magnolia trees in general; (3) remind him several times until he finally ordered a young tree; (3) then plant it myself a week after my birthday because it had been sitting around in its little starter pot forever and he couldn't seem to get around to it. Yep, I don't have the ideal dad. Anyway, I digress...

It's a sort of renaissance-of-my-life tattoo, if you will. It will be my Recovery Tattoo.

The large, creamy, fragrant magnolias were all in full bloom when I left The Clink in Atlanta and returned to my home...

Friday, September 16, 2005

Scott says: don't forget to pack the...

Free Samples!!

Honestly, what cracks me up is that my pal Scott thought to send me this link.

Wednesday, September 14, 2005

A Web of Lesbian Intrigue

Last night my roomie and I were hanging out and she said, "We need to get that CD."

I said, "Which CD?"

She said, "You know, the one from that movie we watched by that guy who made the whole film on his imac."

"Oh, yeah," I said, "The one we watched with [name removed to protect the innocent]?"

She said, "[name removed to protect the innocent]?" She clearly had no idea who I was talking about.

I said, "[NAME REMOVED TO PROTECT THE INNOCENT]!!" I was incredulous.

Still met with a blank stare, I had to qualify [name removed to protect the innocent] with the following, "OUR EX-GIRLFRIEND!"*

Laughing maniacally, she managed to get out, "I was confused because I thought we watched that movie with [another name removed to protect the innocent], and as far as I know, NEITHER ONE OF US has EVER slept with HER...

She trailed off, steering her eyes around the side of her head toward me, studying my face to see if I was hiding anything...

*[name removed to protect the innocent] was not 'our girlfriend' simultaneously, but rather consecutively, which is almost as bad.

Tuesday, September 13, 2005

Backwards Bush

Now you, too, can have your very own Backwards Bush keychain!!! It counts down the days, to the very second, until this debacle of an administration is OUT. Don't you just love it?

Here are the top ten reasons to get one:

(10) You'll never again be mistaken for a Republican
(9) Wearing one around your neck helps to keep Republicans away and smells much better than garlic
(8) You can attach a magnet or tape to the back of it and hang it anywhere you damn well please!
(7) Carrying a BackwardsBush keychain will make it much easier on the Secret Service to identify you when they break into your house in the middle of the night to take you to Guantanamo
(6) They are currently the hottest fashion accessories in New York and L.A.
(5)It's worth buying one just to see how pissed off Republicans get when they see it
(4) Purchasing a BackwardsBush keychain instantly qualifies you for "Enemy Combatant" status
(3) You might as well spend your money on a keychain now, because once social security gets privatized, you won't have any money left!!!
(2) Once Bush gets his judges on the bench, the keychains will be illegal (and therefore a collector's item)
(1) Because you know you want one!

Sunday, September 04, 2005

Welcome to Texas

Last night I said, "Welcome to Texas" hundreds of times. I was talking to the dazed, shoeless, weary refugees arriving from New Orleans, Louisiana. These spent souls were coming off of five days of horror - danger from nature and fellow man, starvation, thirst, despair, and privation of all sorts.

They arrived by plane and bus all night long at the Austin Convention Center, where we were waiting with smiles, hugs, food, sleeping bags, cots, clean undies, and toothbrushes, among other things. So we spent our evening welcoming them and trying to help them be as comfortable as possible, under the circumstances.

One young man told of seeing two sets of twins born at the Superdome in New Orleans.

One wizened elderly lady of 81 proudly announced to me that she'd had her first helicopter ride and her first plane ride, and that she'd, "walked right up the steps to it herself!"

Another white-haired grandfatherly type praised the Lord with tears in his eyes when he learned, while talking to his son on my cell phone, that his wife and daughter had been safely evacuated from a New Orleans hospital after they were separated.

I am grateful today. So grateful.

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