Saturday, January 28, 2006

Despair and Loathing in Panola County

So, my fruitless foray into the piney woods of East Texas... What can I say? It was all true, everything that Trailerpark had been telling me. Big Chief is desperately in love with Little Chief, is in a constant state of drug-induced psychosis, and has lost all sight of reason.

He is prepared to deed Little Chief some of our family farm. He bought her a vehicle. He has been spending his retirement (taking early distributions) to pay for whatever else her highness might desire. He has permitted her to turn my grandmother's home into a meth lab.

Meanwhile, in his own world, he moved out of his house because he believes it to be haunted; he hasn’t worked in more than a year; he hasn’t filed his federal income tax returns for the past two years; he hasn’t paid the property taxes on the family farm; he has lost more than 100 pounds; he limps around on an undiagnosed swollen knee; he is confused and paranoid; he is fragile and painfully sad.

Oh, and...

Today would have been my grandmother's, his mother's, 88th birthday. If that house truly is haunted, then it is most assuredly haunted by her discontented and restless soul, fearful for the fate of her only son.

Wednesday, January 25, 2006


(1) The neighbor makes her living by:
(a) stealing copper wire from well sites
(b) breeding pit bulls
(c) collecting aluminum cans
(d) selling meth
(e) all of the above

(2) Trailerpark lives in:
(a) her truck
(b) a storage shed
(c) a dimpsty-dumpster
(d) the pasture
(e) all of the above

(3) Big Chief's land will be owned by:
(a) his crooked-ass lawyer
(b) Little Chief
(c) the IRS
(d) the Crime Victims Compensation Fund
(e) all of the above

Tuesday, January 24, 2006

"I Done Moved Out"

Coming soon, to a theatre near you...

Trailerpark sobs, barely able to hold the pipe to her mouth, "I done moved out! Little Chief done stole DD2's four-wheeler. We took the hog an left up outta there."

Monday, January 23, 2006

Southern-Fried Blues...

This is a far more palatable explanation for my angst today, the unpleasant alternative being that I have to drive to The Land Of The Dueling Banjos tomorrow to talk to my meth-addicted father about the recent drug raid on the old family farm, his (and my sister’s) pending felony charges, and his expressed intent to deed my great-grandparents’ farm to his newfound love, a meth-cooking skank about 30 years his junior.

Friday, January 20, 2006

Drug Dealer Death Match

So, in my very first blog posting I promised details about the prominent characters figuring in the Drug Dealer Death Match playing out in the piney woods of East Texas, in a little county called Panola... I think when we last checked in on our cast of shady characters, the word of the day was Arson.

Well since that posting, sordid details of bribes and broads, land disputes and narcotics, and sheriffs and K-9 units abound!

Let us first take some time to re-acquaint ourselves with the shameful stars of this saga.

DD1 - aka Drug Dealer #1. Just for fun, let's pretend he's this guy. He's not that guy and he doesn't really resemble that guy, but they have a thing or two in common and, anyway, it gives us a face to hate. :) Anyway, he's number one only in his own Napolean Complex-afflicted mind. He is, shall we say, rotund. And vertically challenged. And diabolical. And as dumb as a box of rocks.

DD2 - aka Drug Dealer #2 aka The Peach. I really can't say he's a drug dealer, but I will anyway. If you don't believe me, ask any cop within a 50 mile radius of Panola County.

Trailerpark - aka Pocahontas; dates DD2 and is "adopted" daughter of Big Chief. So, theoretically, my sister.

Big Chief, aka my stoopid-ass-ruining-his-life, make-my-therapist-rich dad. Took Trailerpark in when she was 15 - seems she was knocked up and her mama said, Out Out Damn Spot.

Little Chief, the dirty-legged ho who runs the show at Big Chief's ranch. Also, the recently repatriated baby sister of Trailerpark. Not otherwise related to Big Chief or Yours Truly.

If I had any expertise in photoshop, I would prepare a nice graphic. But I don't. So quit your bitchin' and study up.

Friday, January 06, 2006

Rig Watching

Did you know there was such a job in Texas and Oklahoma? Rig Watching. "Why?" you may be asking yourself. Why would anyone pay someone else to watch a rig? Well, they do. Now go look it up.

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