Mood Altering

I am an addict through and through. An addict absolutely cannot stand to feel emotional pain. I’m in pain today. So, let’s examine my thoughts, shall we?

Well, I definitely thought about having a drink. In fact, I’m having a hard time NOT thinking about having a drink right now. Each time my roomie goes into the kitchen and opens the specially-designated-for-alcohol fridge (not to be confused with the regular fridge, where we just keep our food), I listen for the “Pfhshhht” of her beer bottle opening. Then I think about it some more.

But I haven’t had a drink.

I thought about pills, for sure. My head says, “Man, if there was ever a time in your life when you deserved a Valium, it is RIGHT NOW.”

But I don’t listen to me. And I don’t have any Valium anyway.

But get this: I thought about sticking my finger down my throat to make myself vomit. Just to break through the pain somehow.

What IS THAT?? Who would think to do something like that???

I did it once, you know. When I was in rehab and I was really hurting. I was wild-eyed with pain, desperation, and fear. And it was all that I could think of to do. It was like an instinct. A sort of last resort. And it worked. For a minute. But then it made me really scared about what I was getting myself into. I haven’t done it again. And I hadn’t thought about it either.

Until tonight.

What is so wrong with me that my instinct drives me to try to gag myself in response to emotional pain? Why can’t I just cry like everyone else?

I guess if I were like everybody else, I’d be able to take a Valium right now without opening Pandora’s Box.

Or, maybe, if I were like everybody else, it wouldn’t occur to me to take a Valium at all.

What do I know about being like everybody else?

Diddly.